One more thing…
It’s that time of year again. According to social media, I’m supposed to be donning sparkly tights and wearing earrings made of tinsel by now. The holidays are coming, with all their supposed joy and festive cheer, but instead of feeling buoyed by the magic, many of us feel like we’re barely holding it together. It’s strange, isn’t it? We know what we’re supposed to be feeling, making it all the more glaringly obvious that we’re, well, NOT.
It’s that insidious, quiet nagging of inner fragility. It’s haunting in a way—it pounces when you least expect it. It’s not constant, nor is it completely debilitating, but it shows up often enough to steal away your confidence and leave you with what I can only describe as ‘heaviness.’
I’m going to confess something here that might sound like arrogance, but I can’t be the only one who experiences this. Right now, even if you told me, "Claire, you’re amazing," "Claire, you’re killing it," or "Claire, you’re such an inspiration," it wouldn’t land. It’s empty noise. I can’t hear you. I’m numb to it. I have no capacity to do anything productive with your kind words. But then—then—the slightest criticism or whisper of doubt feels like a dagger, thrust straight into the pit of my stomach.
There's a certain fragility that rises in me around this time of year—a self-doubt that grows ironically with every additional festivity. I feel my irritation rise every time my husband mentions Christmas as a "holiday," like it’s a huge weight lifted off his shoulders—while for me, it feels more like a weight is being added.
In another way, it’s as though the powerful, conscious identity that has been my anchor—my guide, the solid part of me that usually says, "I can handle this!"—becomes the very thing that turns on me. I feel attacked by my own values, by my own sense of purpose, by my own drive to get things done. Because when you can’t live up to that identity, you feel like a fraud. And all of a sudden, that usual confidence feels like a joke—except, the joke’s on me.
As school leaders, as female leaders, we are supposed to “show up” in full force this time of year. We’re told this is the season for joy, festivity, and celebration. And as women, we’re supposed to embody the matriach role. Somehow, the expectations in all realms of life seem to grow at this time of year, while our self belief dwindles.
And the more we tell ourselves we should be feeling a certain way, the worse it seems to get. The pressure to radiate joy (for ourselves and others) only highlights how distant it feels - how far away we are from what we're supposed to be.
So, what do you do when you’re not brimming with passion and fire? What do you do when, despite the chaos around you, you feel numb inside? When that quiet yet heavy fragility takes hold?
The Power of Kindness to Yourself
First, let’s acknowledge that it’s okay to not feel okay. It’s okay to feel fragile. It’s okay to not have everything figured out and to be angry, and sad and confused about that.
Sometimes, being a strong leader means accepting that strength looks different at different times. And right now, strength might look like rest. Strength might look like grace (yes for others, but mostly for youself). Strength might look like slowing down, stepping back, and showing yourself the same compassion you would offer to a colleague or friend.
When you find yourself unable to lift the fog - when your own identity seems to be the source of your self-criticism - remember this: your value doesn’t lie in your output, your productivity, or your “perfect” leadership persona. Your value lies in your humanity. In the way you show up for your team, for your school, and most importantly, for yourself.
Embrace the Space for Reflection
Rather than fighting the feeling of overwhelm or fear, give yourself permission to sit with it if you can. Reflection isn’t always about fixing or changing things—it’s about noticing.
It’s about being honest with yourself about what’s draining your energy and what’s lifting you up. In moments like these, we often look outward for the answers, but the answers are often already within us, buried beneath the noise and the weight.
Take a step back and listen. Start (or end) each day with a few minutes of journaling. I like to draw 4 simple boxes and ask myself:
What am I looking forward to about today?
What am I proud of?
What can I positively reframe?
What must I get done?
Less Haunted House and more Magic Kingdom
Let’s not forget that confidence is not a permanent state—it’s a practice. It’s not about feeling “good” all the time, it’s about showing up despite the fears, the doubts, and the fragility. Confidence comes when you acknowledge the struggle and keep going anyway. It’s the quiet strength that says, “I see you, fear, and I’m choosing not to let you define me, even though I’m still f’ing terrified.”
Remind yourself that perfection doesn’t exist, so let’s stop trying to achieve it —either from our teams, our schools, or ourselves. Let’s accept that we are allowed to feel vulnerable, to feel fear, and to still move forward, step by step.
Here’s a lovely quote (that stole this last line from Instragram because I bloomin’ love it) that brought a little repreive to my week and smile to my face. I hope it can do the same for you.
After all, it’s when the light gets dim that the brightest stars shine.
Claire X