One of the reasons it’s taken me so long to put my writing into the world is the very real fear of "one and done" - that a single word or action can define us in ways that may not reflect our true selves, our whole selves. In educational leadership, we walk a fine line between being known for something and being known for the wrong thing.

On social media, we’d call this "getting canceled." Pretty extreme.

But in real life, this happens every day, though in more subtle, insidious ways.

She said it once, so that’s all she is. That’s all she thinks. That’s the way she behaves.

"She’s hostile."

"She’s a pushover."

"She’s emotional."

"She’s a perfectionist."

"She’s not strong in that area."

And sometimes, worse—

"Be careful, she’s a real b*tch."

Stories from the Frontline

Here are a few of my own experiences with these labels.

Once, I spoke up strongly about a candidate’s treatment during the recruitment process. I was labeled aggressive, hot-tempered, ridiculous. Months later, the incident resurfaced, accompanied by mockery: “Don’t consult Claire on this; she’ll spontaneously combust.”

Another time, I expressed my frustration when our International Women’s Day gift was laundry detergent. The response? I was called ungrateful for wanting more than a “helpful” reminder of domestic duties. Somehow, the blame for that exchange was shifted onto me and I was reminded that being the recipient of any gift should be looked on with kindness and gratitude.

I also shared my experience of being a working mom with a newborn, only to be berated because “being a mom was my choice.” Complete strangers sent me studies claiming to disprove my personal experience. Yeah. Thanks for that.

Last year, I wrote a post exploring my discomfort with the UK Prime Minister’s choice of attire—sneakers with a suit—while discussing monetary policy. I was trying to unpack my own biases, yet the online backlash was so intense I took the post down and stayed offline for weeks.

The Cost of Speaking Up

It’s easy to see why so many women hesitate to participate in meaningful conversations. Taking a stand can feel like a risk too great to bear. Straying from “neutral” or “balanced” can jeopardize our careers, relationships, and, most crucially, our self-belief and resilience.

As an aside, I don’t often “feel” for men ;-)—but I do empathize with those who want to be allies, who wish to speak up but worry about the fallout (often from women by the way). For them, too, getting it “wrong” can mean facing a backlash. But unlike women, men’s mistakes rarely linger in memories for months or years. Society forgives men’s missteps far more readily, don’t you think?

It’s easy to see why so many women hesitate to participate in meaningful conversations. Taking a stand can feel like a risk too great to bear.

This makes it crucial for women leaders to develop strategies for navigating these murky waters.

Here are my top tips:

Separate Critique from Identity

Criticism often says more about the critic than about you. Hold onto your core values, and let the rest go. A cool way I like to think about this is reminding myself ‘Wow, I’m really living rent-free in their head!’ – how fascinating.

Challenge Your Inner Dialogue

When doubts arise, consider if you would hold a colleague to the same standard. If not, congratulations! You’re judging yourself way too harshly. So please, cut yourself some slack - you’re not a cartoon villain!

Lean on Allies

Surround yourself with supportive peers who get your vibe. They’re like your personal cheerleaders, ready to remind you of your strengths and tell you that yes, you really do know what you’re doing! But be warned, if you need this kind of supportive ‘pick me up’ you’re going to have to explicitly ask for it. Be brave in asking for what you need emotionally from those you trust.

Know When to Respond

Not every comment deserves a reaction or even a response at all! Save your energy for the battles that actually matter. Focus on the ones that align with your values and goals—let the rest roll off like water off a duck’s back.

Can you say that again?

If someone is genuinely being out of line and maybe even passive aggressive; pause, look them dead in the eye and ask them (very calmly) to repeat what they just said. Something like 'Sorry, I didn't quite catch that', will do the trick.

This is a tried and tested power move. I call it ‘the silent assassin’, and I promise it will not let you down.

Thanks for reading and supporting the ‘Women In Leadership’ newsletter. You being here means so much to me.

Talk soon,

Claire

The Hidden Costs of Being a Woman Leader Who Speaks Up…and Why It’s Worth It!