I’m an addict

Now - before your brain goes into overdrive and you report me to the authorities, let’s climb down that ladder and add some clarification.

When we hear the word "addict" our minds quickly move to "oh shiz, this woman is a functioning drug addict." Cocaine maybe? Alcohol?

Nope. That’s not the case here.

My addiction is something a little less obvious but still incredibly powerful: stress.

I’m a full-blown stress addict.

And like most addictions, I find myself caught in an endless cycle. I repeat the same addiction cycle time and time again because… (and here’s the deep work seeping through) I will not let you see me fail. It’s such a driver to do good things, but I'm never able to satisfy it.

Here’s my most recent example of taking on things that make NO SENSE, that seem really fricking stupid to most people.

As many of you know, eight months ago I made the leap into full-time consulting and facilitation. It’s been an amazing ride - plenty of work, exciting projects, and endless possibilities. I’m in the totally awesome position of having more work than I can handle. On paper, I should be prioritizing my well-being, resting when I need to, and protecting my health. In reality though, there are periods of acute exhaustion where I’m hanging on by a thread.

Then why, you might ask, did I decide to turn my twice-weekly 5 am plod around Shanghai into signing up for a full marathon?

Why indeed.

Why am I sacrificing precious sleep to get up even earlier and run further (injuring myself along the way)?

Why am I losing out on time with my family to take 3-hour runs on a Saturday morning?

Why, in the midst of everything else, am I sacrificing my beloved weight lifting to focus on something I’m not even crazy about? (Well. That’s a lie. I like it for about an hour. Two tops. Then I’m bored out of my mind.)

Why am I insisting on squeezing this into my already chaotic life?

And the honest truth is, I don’t really know. But something inside me insists that I do it, that I keep pushing myself, even when it seems completely illogical. I should be happy with my current load, but instead, I find myself adding more, striving for more than what’s reasonable. I can’t stop. It’s a cycle I can’t seem to break. It’s an addiction.

And the irony is, if someone else had told me to run a marathon, I’d have told them to p**s off!

It’s a me-against-me thing. Because at 40, I still feel I need to prove myself, to myself.

It’s so ingrained in me I’m not sure how to turn it off. I’m a little terrified of what might happen if I do. What’s left behind when the addiction fades? Who am I then?

And that’s the problem with addiction, it takes as much as it gives.

I’m sensing that this newsletter is going to cause some belly twists, some discomfort, some "ouch" moments. But it’s also a reminder that we are all navigating this crazy tightrope as women trying to survive this modern world, trying to be everything, to everyone, all the time. Facebook would definitely call it "complicated."

If you’re reading this and thinking about your own addictions and how they manifest, know that you’re not alone. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some things I’m trying right now that you might also find helpful:

1. Recognize Your Limits

Yes, you’re totally awesome, capable, and amazing. But you’re also human. Power down and say "No" a little more often.

2. Set Boundaries

We talked about this last month. The COVID hangover is a phone that continues to ping well into the night. Do Not Disturb. For the love of god. Use it!

3. Find Joy in Small Things

It’s so easy to get caught up in the big goals, but don’t forget the little things that bring you peace and fulfillment. I totally convinced the barista this morning that I was fluent in Mandarin and that added a sweetener to my morning sips.

4. Good Enough

Look at your to-do list and pick one thing you can take a "good enough" approach to. Doesn't even need to be something significant. Start assessing where energy is going that is simply not worth it.

5. Ask for Support

That doesn’t have to mean booking in to see a professional. It can just be a heads-up to a loved one or a team member - "hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and I’d be grateful if we can identify what to prioritize in the work that needs to be done."

Lastly, this poem appeared on my LinkedIn feed last week and it has really stuck with me. I might even print it out!

Take care, and I'll see you all next month!

Claire