I almost taught my daughter to hate.
I wrote the following article after the Beijing Winter Olympics, but prior to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. I firmly believe the message I am trying to convey in this post is just as, if not more relevant now as it was at the time I drafted it. As an American expatriate, I am very sensitive to how others judge me based on their beliefs about my government, regardless of whether I agree with my government or not. In this article, I use the state-sanctioned doping scandal at the Sochi Winter Olympics to justify my own prejudice against Russian figure skaters. When I became aware of that prejudice, especially how it could influence my daughter’s own beliefs about Russians, I stopped to challenge my own thinking.
The message I want readers to walk away with is:
Be careful about generalizing your beliefs about an entire gender, race, creed, or nation based on the actions of a few bad actors;
Challenge your assumptions and beliefs by inviting dialog from others with different perspectives; and
Make your thinking transparent to children, so that children learn how to form their own beliefs.
Regarding point 3, here are two articles that can help educators and parents have conversations with their children about the invasion of Ukraine: Kyle Wagner’s post How to talk to students about Russia’s Invasion of Ukraine and this New York Times article, How to talk to kids about Ukraine.
"Because the Russians are cheaters!”
I almost said that in response to my daughter's innocent question of "Why can't I cheer for the Russians?"
My nine-year-old daughter and I have spent an inordinate amount of time together during this pandemic, which included a 45-day trip to the US to visit my parents. I sometimes forget my daughter’s young age, especially considering the topics we have tackled this past year. She has queried me on a range of personal issues, such as why does daddy not talk to his sister to why do we celebrate Jesus’s birthday. But, when it came to the question of the Russians, I had an almost innate response that felt as if my identity was being challenged.
She raised the question about the Russians while we were watching women’s figure skating. I assumed that being American, she would want the US to win, but she surprised me by saying she preferred the Russians because they were “more pretty.” Without thinking, I blurted out “that's stupid!” When she inevitably responded by asking why she had me on the ropes. At that moment I almost did what I have done several times before, and what I can only imagine many parents do when they don't feel like justifying themselves; they dismiss the question with a broad generalization. The easy answer would have been to simply say the Russians were cheaters who’d been caught doping, which may actually be true for this Winter Olympics as it was in Sochi. That could have ended the debate and I could have continued watching the game in peace; ‘Kamila Valieva, duh’. But in that same moment, I felt guilt. Is this what I want my daughter to believe about teams I don’t want to win?
My daughter deserved a more detailed response. That is my responsibility, and arguably the most important responsibility I have in this world. Honoring that responsibility not only will help my daughter develop her own understanding of the world, but also hone her ability to authentically inquire about others’ behaviors and beliefs. Unfortunately, very few parents are willing or able to explain the myriad of bewildering behaviors that adults demonstrate, especially their own. Many parents probably are doing what I would have done, they reach for generalizations or evoke stereotypes. In many cases, those responses teach hate. The Russian women's volleyball team aren't cheaters, that I know of, so why evoke that stereotype to justify an irrational stance? Why? Because it is easy.
In absence of parents taking responsibility for having these tough conversations, it is often done by friends, media, and even worse, strangers. It is unfortunate that so few families are capacity built to give children real answers to heart-wrenching questions. Questions that cause us to confront our worst fears. Questions that we worry about will diminish our children’s innocence. But when these questions are not intentionally and explicitly answered, it can lead to children having certain stereotypes and generalizations ingrained in their minds, without context, that can cause them unwittingly to have negative biases and even end up hating others.
My answer to this parental dilemma, of wanting to humor our child’s curiosity, while at the same time protecting their innocence, is actually the same advice I give to my clients as a leadership facilitator. Difficult conversations are only difficult because of the bias or self-narrative that we have about the topic or person in question. When addressing difficult questions, we should first reflect on our own assumptions and be open to challenging those assumptions. What observations or experiences are those assumptions based on? Will our assumptions prove true in all cases? What observations or experiences is the other party basing their assumptions on?
Despite my assumptions about Russian athletes in a few cases being true, they aren’t true in many other cases. If I did impose my assumptions on my daughter, the only thing she may have taken away from that competition is that the athletes were beautiful; completely disregarding their athletic prowess. I don’t want my daughter objectifying others because I don't want her being objectified. If she is going to appreciate the beauty of the competition as much as the players than she will need a larger lens through which to view that sport. Sweeping generalizations will only narrow our children’s view of the world, with the unintended consequence of limiting their ability to authentically inquire about the myriad beliefs they will be confronted with.
Interestingly, the answer I gave my daughter wasn’t so complicated, it just required me to challenge my assumptions:
"Honey, the Russians are very good ice skaters, who I know work hard to win, but you aren't Russian, that is why you should cheer for the Americans." The Russians performed amazingly, despite the controversy.
